I received advice from my daughter’s therapist on how to spot a potential pedophile, and I want to share these insights. I was told to avoid dating men who fall into one of these three categories. I was told that yes, there are harmless non-pedophile people who will also fall into these categories, but she doesn’t want me to take the time to try to differentiate. If a man shows one of these three signs, he’s no longer considered dating material for me.

What is his relationship like with his mother? No relationship is ever perfect, but a man should love his mother and talk about her with respect, even if his mother is a fall down drunk. A good man will say, “My mother had her issues, but she did her best and I love her for it.” A man who is waving a red flag will say, “Do you know what my mother put me through!?” Studies show 99% of pedophiles have turbulent or distant relationships with their mother.

Was he physically or sexually abused as a child? I always thought only sexual abuse was a red flag, but the therapist said both are. She said if he was abused AND he received therapy for the abuse as a child, then the therapy cancels the abuse out if he doesn’t exhibit the other two signs. But if he was abused as a child and received therapy as an adult, he was abused as a child and never received therapy, or he was abused as a child and received therapy but disrespects or is distant from his mother, etc, then there’s the red flag. Studies show 99% of pedophiles were physically or sexually abused as children and didn’t get help in time.

When we start dating, is he trying to bond with me, or with both my child and me? A healthy man will only try to bond with the woman until he knows he wants to be around long term. He otherwise shouldn’t show much of an interest in the kids. Early on in the relationship, when he does cute things like brings you flowers, he should NOT also bring a gift for the kids. He shouldn’t call and ask how the kids are doing (unless he knows something very specific happened, like they went to the ER, etc.) He won’t try to make dates that involve the kids unless the date is celebrating a birthday or holiday. Wanting to take you and the kids to the zoo on a random Saturday during the first 6 to 9 months of dating is weird, and therefore a red flag. Studies show 99% of pedophiles try to date both the mother and the child early on in the relationship.

For whatever it’s worth, my ex waved all three of these red flags.